I’m hitting the pause button on my podcast and here’s why...
For the past fifteen months, I’ve invited friends, peers, acquaintances, and sometimes total strangers to sit down and have an undistracted conversation with me. I’ve asked them to share their most personal struggles and greatest triumphs. I’ve listened as these brave souls have opened their hearts and divulged about deeply personal areas of their lives.
I say it every week: The first thing we discuss is the last thing you wanna talk about.
I began this podcast to help me deal with my own pain. As a lifelong eczema sufferer, (please hold your applause) I wanted to reveal this — the most troubling aspect of my experience. The part that makes me human.
I didn’t always see it that way. When I was younger, I was convinced the world was against me. I was cursed with terrible skin that left me patchy, red, and covered in scabs. I would leave a trail of flakes behind me as if I was scattering bread crumbs to help me find my way home. Sometimes I would be so far gone that puss would ooze out of my face and I would wake up stuck to my pillow.
Grossed out? Trust me, that’s exactly how I felt.
In the only way I knew how to retaliate, I lashed out at the world with anger and hate. I was determined to make others feel as horrible as I did. When your skin is on fire, it’s difficult to cool down. Moments of joy were few and far between because my moods were dominated by pain and discomfort.
I used to wish for any other ailment.
Let me be a dwarf! Or be in a wheelchair! Or have diabetes like my sister! Give me a tail for chrissakes! (Years later I would go on TV wearing one; it’s funny what time will do.)
Why me? That thought permeated my brain throughout the day.
Until a couple of years ago.
Something changed in me. I realized that we all have something that we wish wasn’t there. One major affliction that has caused us pain, grief, and strife. It could be mental, emotional, or physical. But everyone, no matter how perfect and cookie-cutter their lives may seem, has been influenced, structured, and shaped by their Achilles’ Heel.
From the beginning, I knew this podcast would be one of the most important projects I’ve ever created — sorry Pug Yoga! Hearing these intense anecdotes from beautiful, brilliant raconteurs has a profound effect on not only my mental health but on how I view my own disease.
In almost 100 hours of conversation, I’ve learned about issues I never would have imagined.
Some were completely new to me like Hashimoto’s Disease or Marfan Syndrome.
Some surprised me like guilt, rejection, control, indecision.
There were many issues I suffer from as well -- like sugar, negativity, and resistance.
In some episodes, my guests and I would be laughing our asses off only to stumble into something traumatic a few moments later. We’d find ourselves holding hands as we cried together.
Guests have told me about being in jail, psychiatric units, and mental institutions. They’ve selflessly recounted stories of watching loved ones abandon them, disappear -- even die. They’ve opened up about the darkest holes of depression, anxiety, and every addiction the Betty Ford Clinic has ever seen.
It’s like a twisted Little Mermaid song. I’ve got insecurity, poverty, and epilepsy. Sex Addiction and OCD galore! Suicide Attempts? I’ve got twenty, but who cares, no big deal, I want moooooooore.
By revealing all of these obstacles -- both apparent and clandestine -- by putting them on the table and speaking candidly, we all managed to grow and come out stronger than before.
Early on, I started referring to my listeners as “Heelers.”
Yes, it’s a play on words but it’s also stunningly accurate.
Every guest and I have healed together. Sometimes accidentally, sometimes on purpose. But aside from us, every listener has healed by making room in their lives for these discussions. My guests and I have received so many gorgeous, honest messages about what it means to have these vulnerable stories out in the ether.
This podcast has taught me a lot.
We are all so beautiful. And we are all so fucked up.
In our pain lies our beauty. Every human struggles. Every human hurts. And all of us, no matter what, fight on and do our goddamn best.
There are days we feel overwhelmed, scared, and downright — fuck it all — I don’t want to do this anymore! BUT we need those days. Out of the darkness comes the light or some other metaphorical bullshit I heard in a movie.
I have to pause the podcast. A global pandemic is forcing me too. But even before that, a break was in the works.
I’ve been spreading myself too thin and some bigger ventures are going to require a lot of my attention. Coronavirus just confirmed that it was the necessary decision.
This break is not the end. Let’s just call it Season 1. I love this project and what it means to me has become deeply personal. Anyone with a podcast will tell you to never stop. Consistency is key.
I’m not worried.
I’ll bring it back and it will be stronger than ever. I’ve never been more motivated in my life to achieve my dreams.
If you’re still here, thank you.
If you’ve listened, thank you.
If you haven’t, well hell, there are 60-something episodes and I mean when I say, they are timeless. We aren’t talking about politics or the news of the day, we are talking about LIFE. Plus, you’ve got some downtime. Give it a try.
I want you all to know something. If you’re reading this, you’re on the ground floor of a building that is going to touch the sky. Construction crews are working overtime and moving faster than ever.
During these odd, long days, check-in with yourself. What do you need to focus on? What have you been putting off? Reading, meditation, calling a loved one or someone you’ve hurt? The world is giving you a break. Practicing self-care and compassion is more important now than ever.
Be kind to yourself and others. Feel free to send me a message about how you’re feeling or what you’re doing to stay entertained. In other words...
Break it down tell me how you feel ‘cuz we all have our own Achilles’ Heel.