Fuuuuuuck.
That’s truly the only way to start this.
You’re out of work and stuck at home for the foreseeable future. Every trip to the grocery store feels like you’re being shipped off to Vietnam. All of a sudden toilet paper is more valuable than the Hope Diamond. You’re going stir-crazy and on top of that, every music festival for the next few months is postponed or canceled.
You’ve worked hard this year. You’ve patiently waited for your opportunity to truly act a fool. And now a global pandemic is threatening not only your way of life but your actual life.
Have no fear my fellow weirdos!
We may not be able to travel, but I’ve navigated the circuits of my brain and figured out how you can live out your desert dance floor dreams from the comfort of your home. It may not be exactly the same as tripping in the forest with your favorite humans, but desperate times call for desperate... something.
Follow these basic steps and when we all gather again, you’ll be more prepared than ever.
Couch-Chella
Can’t make it out to the polo fields this year? Wasn’t SXSW too expensive anyway? Who cares! You can have a similar experience without ever leaving your living room. On the beautiful world of YouTube, there are literally thousands of sets from your favorite bands and DJs. Fire up your computer, Apple TV, or projector (for the true ballers) and turn down the lights. Not only can you experience the magic, but you can actually see what’s going on!
So many times there is a brilliant production happening on stage and you’re stuck in the back, unable to see the incredible work that was put into the performance. With CouchChella, you have a close-up view of the stage and often from a variety of angles. You won’t even smell the vomit from that amateur next to you who thought it was a good idea to chug tequila at 2 PM in the 97-degree heat.
For a next-level setup, add your own lighting with a star machine or any other multi-color lights you have laying around. Order some small inflatable palm trees or use your own house plants in front of the screen to really feel like you’re soaking up the desert vibes.
2. Facetime Fashion Show
Part of the fun of a festival is putting together outfits that in the default world seem outlandish. I comb through Goodwill and vintage stores for the most bizarre pieces I can find.
A 6-year old’s neon bathrobe turns into an incredible blazer for an adult man. A flashy grandma’s floral workout pants will go perfectly with a fur coat and flower crown. Many of my friends even make one-of-a-kind pieces and they become original pieces of art.
Obviously you don’t want to miss out on this creativity. And now you don’t have to!
Schedule a time for an online meeting so you can have the fashion show of your dreams. Clear some space in your apartment, set up a runway with bath towels, put on your wildest wears, and strut your fucking heart out.
3. Create Your Own Sound Bath
One of my favorite things to do at a festival is to participate in a healing sanctuary. I’ve done Laugh Yoga, painting class, non-sexual group massage, and of course my favorite, the sound bath.
If you’ve never been to a sound bath what happens is a sound healer plays a variety of instruments that create vibrations throughout your body. As you sit or lay on the ground, the different frequencies shake up your energy and transport you to a place of pure relaxation. You can always find virtual sound baths online, but this is your time to get creative.
Maybe you don’t have a didgeridoo or copper bowls. Grab a wooden spoon and a cheese grater and scrape away. Blow into an empty water jug as you hold it directly over your roommate or partner. Flip through the pages of a thick book so it makes the sound of leaves in the wind. Hell, even turn on your vacuum cleaner and run it all around their body.
Don’t worry if you aren’t a musician. I’ve never learned to play a single instrument. There are infinite ways to make interesting noises. Experiment with things all over your home and see what works for you. If you do it right, you can truly release the anxiety this crazy time is bringing.
4. Learn New Dance Moves
If you’re anything like me, you absolutely love to dance. Without any formal training (other than learning the waltz in high school theatre class), I simply let go of my inhibitions and let the music inspire my body to move. People often think I look ridiculous (fuck those people) but also they probably aren’t wrong.
As long as you’re having fun, it truly doesn’t matter how the funk makes you groove. But sometimes you see someone out there that truly has rhythm and you think, “now that guy looks good.”
With all this downtime, become that guy! Go on youtube and watch tutorials of how to do basic dance steps. You’d be amazed how easily you’ll go from “Wow look at that guy!” to “WOW LOOK AT THAT GUY!!” Notice the difference? Of course, you do. Now string together some combinations and next time when the circle starts up, you’ll be the first one to dive in and show those rookies how it’s done.
5. Research the Artists
We all know this is temporary. Eventually, we will be traveling the exosphere together in perfect unity. So now that you know you have months before your next festival, listen to every goddamn artist on the lineup.
Get the most out of your Spotify or Apple Music subscription and dig deep into a plethora of new music.
You know the tiny print on the bottom of a lineup that looks like a vision test? Those people earned the right to be there. At one point, that was Radiohead. How cool does it feel to say you saw someone before they blew up?
If a lineup is already out, more than likely someone already made a playlist for it. Find those or make your own! My friends and I have one group thread for whatever, and another one solely dedicated to new music discoveries. With 40 of us contributing, there’s never a lack of diversity. I highly encourage this to keep you feeling fresh and excited.
6. Strategize Your Camping Setup
Tired of your boring old cookie-cutter tent with the singular lightbulb hanging down? Let’s spruce it up! No doubt you’ve walked through the campgrounds at a festival and seen some epic ideas that took your breath away. Often they aren’t very complicated.
Some simple fairy lights make an entry so much more inviting. A flag coming off the top will allow you to always spot your home base. Think about different tapestries to surround your pop-up.
At the burn, a few of my friends built a monkey hut out of a tarp and PVC pipes. They quickly realized it looked like a giant caterpillar so they added antennae to one end. Suddenly some crude materials became a 30 ft long bug.
If you’ve got the space, set it up in your apartment or backyard and treat yourself to a night of at-home camping. Play terrible music way too loud from a close distance so you can even yell at the imaginary bros who only came to get laid. It’s your experience. Own it!
7. Get Crafty
For most of us, festivals mean it’s crunch time. You’ve been working non-stop, finishing up deadlines, and trying to find someone to feed your animals while you’re gone. You wanted to make a cool totem but never found a few spare hours in your day. Well, here they are!
We’ve all seen something homemade at a festival that we wished we had thought of. Maybe it’s a giant printout of Nicholas Cage’s weird face. Maybe it’s a street sign crossing where one says “HERE” and the other says “NOW.”
Whatever it is, this is your opportunity to distract yourself from the news and dig into that odds and ends drawer that you blindly throw things into. Grab some glitter, construction paper, string lights, and a pool noodle and go to town. See what you don’t need and instead of throwing it away, repurpose it. You have no idea how easily an old-shirt becomes a grocery bag.
8. Stop Showering
Nothing makes you feel like you’re partying your face off more than a nice layer of dust and crust. That gross feeling when you wake up in your tent and you’ve got a thick layer of grime all over you? Sure, it’s nasty but it’s a badge of honor at a festival. I’m not saying to never bathe again, but maybe go three or four days without it. You’re not venturing out much anyway so let that sweat shine while adding some stink to your kink.
9. Festival Food Cooking Class
We all have our favorites! For me, its Spicy Pie pizza at Coachella or Buddha Bowls at Desert Hearts. Something about these flavors makes me know that I’ve relocated to Party Town. But who says you have to buy these things from a makeshift hut?
Especially with grocery stores being a grab-what-you-can-and-take-no-prisoners war zone, it’s time to make do and figure out some new recipes. What makes you happy when you’re raging? What gives you energy? Smoothies, dumplings, a giant burrito that looks like it could be someone’s leg.
Don’t be afraid. Cooking is easier than you think. Just follow the recipe and don’t cover yourself in oil before you light a match.
10. Recreate the Parking Lot
You know that beautiful feeling when you arrive at a festival? You’re amped! You’re fired up! You’re ready for the weekend of a lifetime! Just kidding, there’s a 4-hour line to get in. BOOOOOOO!
This is often a necessary part of the experience and one you are sure to miss. But have no fear, my dusty shuffler. This part is easier than ever. All you have to do is get in your car and sit there. That’s it! Put on some music or a podcast if you’d like, but literally you are doing it! Wait until you absolutely feel like there will be no end, then go inside your home.
If you’re smart, leave a playlist and some trippy lights on for when you walk back in and it will feel like you arrived at the festival. Put on something fun and dance it out. Your weekend is ready to begin.
11. Do All The Drugs*
Honestly, I could have started with this but then you’d be too high to read the rest of the list. If you’re a planner, you had your party supplies ready to go. Good on you if you did, shame on you if you were waiting until the last minute.
So here we are, quarantined. We can’t go to work. We can’t see our friends. Even a walk in the park is risky. It seems like a great time to go deep and explore yourself.
Doing drugs at festivals is wonderful. I don’t need to tell you that. But it can also be overwhelming. Instead of taking acid among thousands of people with endless stimulation, put on some beautiful music and allow yourself to relax. Drugs can be used in countless ways and honestly most of them (aside from driving a car or jumping off a bridge to see if you can fly) are beneficial.
I personally love having a quiet, solo journey through the mind. Or if you’re with a partner, drop that molly and have a dance party. Take away your anxiety by smoking that joint you were saving. However you get weird, this is your time. No one is judging you, and if you have to take a massive dump or throw up, you’re never far away from the bathroom.
At Home Dance Party
In these odd, troubling times. It's OK to feel sad, scared, lonely, anxious, whatever.
Forgive yourself for eating too much or being on your phone or masturbating multiple times a day.
Remember what festivals taught you. You are strong, self-reliant, creative, and fun. Quarantine doesn’t change any of that. Use your time wisely, and eventually, I’ll see you out on the dance floor spreading silliness and love. Stay clean.
*At your own risk! Many drugs are illegal and/or dangerous. Remember I’m a comedian, not a doctor or lawyer, dummies.