I Wrote A Book!

It’s true! I have to keep pinching myself so I know this isn’t a dream. I did it. It’s real. OW! Maybe it’s time to stop pinching.

Click here to grab your copy. This funny self-help book is available on Amazon in both paperback and a Kindle version.

I’m as surprised as you are. I always wanted to write one but this wasn’t part of the plan for at least another few years. Sooooo….why now?

The Low Point

Toward the end of November, Los Angeles was entering full Coronavirus crisis mode. Everything was shut down which meant stand-up comedy was once again, ghosting me. Earlier in the year, I found projects to keep me entertained during the drought but these new restrictions had me wrapped up like a muskrat in the coils of a python. There was NOWHERE to go and NOTHING to do. 

I freaked out. I teared up. The anxiety of filling my days with menial activities for another few months was overwhelming. I’ve been relaxing and practicing self-care since March and as nice as that sounds, it’s producing diminishing returns. You can only go deep so many times before the fish at the bottom of the ocean start needing some space.

One night, as my fiance and I were chatting, the idea of writing a book came up. I told her that I wasn’t quite ready to tackle such a huge assignment. 

“What if you didn’t write a novel. What about a funny self-help workbook?”

Immediately my cognitive wheels started spinning furiously. Vin Diesel would have told me to slow down and I would have told him that he should have said that to Paul Walker (RIP). Sorry, Vin. This idea is too good. Pedal to the metal. Let’s go.

A Funny Self-Help Book is Born

I preach a lot about unapologetic positivity and optimism. My main purpose in life is to spread love, uplift others, and have fun. What better way to do this than by putting my personal methods into an easily digestible format so that others can benefit as well.

Almost daily, I’m hit up by someone on social media with a life question. Everything from “How do I tell this girl I like her” to “What advice would you give to a young performer?” Sometimes it gets weird and they just wanna see my feet. But who am I —a fuzzy man who on occasion wears a tail—  to say what’s bizarre? 

I also knew one inherent truth that I had never heard anywhere else. Getting roasted made me love myself. Somehow, being viciously insulted again and again has allowed me to be completely OK with my appearance. Hundreds of jokes have been aimed in my direction to delight audiences both in real life and on television. Sure, I look like the moon in a silent movie, a Meth Labradoodle, or TwoFace if he only had one face. All of those statements are true.

At first, I felt attacked. But I then began to love who I was. I stopped judging and started owning. As more quips were thrown at me, I began to laugh with the rest of the crowd. This was a huge turning point.

Along with getting publicly thrown into a fire pit and charred alive numerous times, I had also spent a couple of years devouring a ton of self-help books. I’d pick up tidbits from each one and implement them into my daily life. Little by little, my anxiety and fear began to deteriorate. Through meditations, visualizations, and writing exercises, I was at a place where I could look in the mirror and not instantly begin criticizing the person looking back. What a breakthrough!

Then there’s my podcast, Achilles’ Heel. For almost 100 episodes, guests have opened up about the darkest part of their lives. As I learned more about their perceived weakness, I realized that it wasn’t that at all. Our flaws don’t make us weak. They make us interesting. Everyone has something they think is “wrong’ with them. But what if that same flaw could actually be transmuted into strength?

Through every episode, the amazing people I interview tell me about their struggles and also their tips to live a fruitful life. A life without all their bullshit getting in the way. These conversations are engaging and enlightening, but they’re also individual lessons on how to be a better human. 

I thought a lot about where I was 10 years ago. Misguided, confused, flailing about without any real goals. Back then, I would have NEVER read a self-help book. That was the inciting incident that let me know exactly how and why I needed to flesh this out and actually write this funny self-help book.

The Anti-Self-Help Book

As I constructed the 28-day outline with my fiance, I constantly reminded myself that I was writing this for the old me. With that focus, I was able to fill the book with not only ideas and concepts to find joy, but also a fuck ton of jokes to keep the reader entertained and laughing their ass off.

I took everything I’d learned, put it in my own words, and crafted it into a format that could be enjoyed by anyone. That includes the depressed rageaholic that I used to be. It’s right on the back cover — This is not your grandmother’s self-help book.

Take a peek inside Roast Yourself To Happiness! Click here to download a FREE 16-page PDF excerpt from the workbook.

I’ve been asked hundreds of times how I got to where I am. How do I wake up every day with a smile on my face and a genuine lust for life? Why am I always in such a magnificent mood? Not only have I scribed my methods throughout this book, but I did it in a way that is simple, satisfying, and fun.

I’m living proof that even the most stubborn fucks can transform themself into a powerful being. One that is ready to absorb love and exert it limitlessly throughout the world. 

I’m so excited to unleash this funny self-help workbook into the world. I know it’s going to help change lives for the better. The only question is…

Are you ready to Roast Yourself to Happiness?

Redemption Is a Dish Best Served Roasted

I never thought I’d go back.

After being exiled from the America’s Got Talent stage in Season 13, I didn’t think I’d be welcomed, let alone invited. A barrage of angry fans, hundreds of messages ranging anywhere from petty scorn to actual death threats, and a genuine internal feeling that I had completed my task all led me to believe that this experience was once in a lifetime.

But then...the internet spoke up.

Over the past two years, I have learned a valuable lesson: I don’t need everyone to like me.

Sometimes that’s a difficult message for an artist because criticism lies in wait around every corner like a predatory thief ready to steal your soul. But it’s true. I don’t. 

The reaction to my first performance on the show flabbergasted me. Over 75 million views and thousands of people still watch it every day. I struck a proper nerve because since it’s release, this cut has never stopped bleeding. 

One day it hit me. What if this wasn’t a singular moment? What if I could go back, with a new approach, and do it all over again?

So I contacted the producers and told them my plan. I could practically hear their saliva hitting the floor through my phone. I was in. 

Six days before I auditioned for the current season, I did a weekend retreat to heal my body and mind. If you’re not familiar with plant medicine, it has been used for millennia to dramatically improve the lives of people who may not be able to figure out what they need. Addiction, generational trauma, guilt, shame, blocked memories, it doesn’t matter. What grows from the earth knows how to replenish our soul. If you allow her, she will reveal deep truths within yourself.

To say it’s magnificent is an understatement. My experience was enlightening. I saw and felt both the new and familiar. All of it with a powerful magnifying glass that illuminated parts of my psyche I had been ignoring. 

In one moment, hours into my spiritual quest, I was transported to the AGT stage. I looked out over the same 3000 people that had ostracized me after my first performance. I stared into the eyes of the four judges as they anxiously waited for me to open my mouth. I flipped my tail one time for good luck and began…

Cut to one week later. It’s March 14th. I arrived on set to shoot my audition. I have already been informed there will be no audience. While I’m disappointed, I’m not scared. I’ve been doing comedy in LA for 11 years. No one is more prepared for this than me. 

I’d only been there an hour when they sent 75% of the crew home. Story producers, backstage cameramen, PA’s, everyone who was not essential to shooting that day packed up and left. There was still another week of auditions but none of them were going to happen. 

“We’ll get to as many of you as we can,” they assured us. None of us knew what to believe. 

I sat in the giant waiting room. A room that is normally a flurry of scales being sung, dancers polishing their routines, a mother wiping the snot from her monster child that has been forced into a life she could never have for herself. 

But today, SILENCE. 

This is when COVID-19 began to be more than a “possible worry” for me. I already had 3 shows canceled that week but I assumed it was simply overprotective measures. Now, sitting in this room of brightly-colored rainbow people from across the globe, I knew that this was much worse than I ever imagined.

Thankfully I had two friends auditioning to help appease the situation. John Hastings and Sam Brillhart are both comedians I’d worked with before. In any social situation, especially one where we are competing, comics cling to each other for comfort like a small child holding their mommy’s hand in a crowded subway car. We crack jokes, drink coffee, eat the ridiculously shitty sandwiches that are shoved in a fridge by someone who has never played Tetris. Being around like-minded individuals makes time move in a place where it often does anything but. 

While the nerves bludgeoned me from the inside out, I did what I always do before a big performance. Find a quiet space, away from everyone, and meditate. Just breathe. Thank the universe for all she has given me. I remind myself numerous times: This is what you were born to do.

I’m waiting backstage to go on. The act before me is a marching band and even without an audience, I can tell this is one hell of an act to follow. They have energy, excitement, loud music, and everything else that goes into the perfect AGT package. Following this will be an uphill battle. Fortunately, I love being the underdog. 

A week before, when I had been under the guise of my transcendental earth mother, I had seen through my own eyes exactly what was going to happen. The judges remembered me. I’d make my “apology”. And as soon as I started spitting jokes, they laughed. This isn’t the same as the first time. This time, they get me.

Of course, in my vision, the crowd was there and the reaction was overwhelmingly positive. Some of them still didn’t like me, but that didn’t matter. As I said at the top, I don’t focus on them. If I’m not for you, that’s OK. I’ll find my people. 

Aside from the audience, everything else I pictured came to life as it had in my mind. They not only got my act, but I could see the thrill on their faces as I lit them up one by one. In my previous encounter on that stage, I couldn’t hear anything. I was being drowned out by the groundlings that had been swept off the street and into a theatre with the promise of a free T-shirt. This time the only faces I saw were Howie Mandel ( a turtle who’s been burned alive), Sofia Vergara (a backup rodeo clown), and Simon Cowell (an overdone tater tot.)

As I finished I did my standard pirouette (as any fancy boy does) and received my standing ovation. It was only three judges, but that’s all I needed. I was there to win their approval. And I got it.

Simon: “You’re such a dick. Please come back and insult us again.”

Sofia: I love everything. Your outfit, your jokes, your tail. I can’t wait to be destroyed.”

Howie: “I was wrong about you the first time. You’re absolutely hilarious.”

Redemption was mine! I had stared down the belly of the beast. And that takes talent. Or at the very least, a huge set of balls that I’d squeezed into my unitard a few hours before. 

Even without the audience, I knew I had accomplished what very few others have ever done on the show. I came back after being eliminated, performed a similar act, and drank from the cup of success. 

I pranced off stage with the supreme knowledge that I had claimed my trophy. What had been merely a dream a year before had now come to fruition. It felt wonderful. And now, I get to go back and do it again.

Quarantine began the very next day. As I’m writing this, it’s officially been over four months of stay-at-home orders. While I’m extremely grateful for having this moment under these extreme conditions, there is one thought that keeps plaguing me: I wish when the medicine was devouring the negativity in my body, it had thrown in a quick addendum about Coronavirus. 

It wouldn’t have changed anything. But I would have bought stock in a puzzle company. 

BONUS TREAT: 

Since they cut my Sofia jokes in the final edit, I’m going to share them with you here.

Sofia is from Columbia. If you’ve ever heard her speak you know I don’t mean the university.

You sound like a chihuahua in a blender set to high.

I can’t think of one reason why you’re famous. But I can think of two!

11 Ways to Turn Your Quarantine Into a Music Festival

Fuuuuuuck. 

That’s truly the only way to start this. 

You’re out of work and stuck at home for the foreseeable future. Every trip to the grocery store feels like you’re being shipped off to Vietnam. All of a sudden toilet paper is more valuable than the Hope Diamond. You’re going stir-crazy and on top of that, every music festival for the next few months is postponed or canceled. 

You’ve worked hard this year. You’ve patiently waited for your opportunity to truly act a fool. And now a global pandemic is threatening not only your way of life but your actual life.

Have no fear my fellow weirdos! 

We may not be able to travel, but I’ve navigated the circuits of my brain and figured out how you can live out your desert dance floor dreams from the comfort of your home. It may not be exactly the same as tripping in the forest with your favorite humans, but desperate times call for desperate... something.

Follow these basic steps and when we all gather again, you’ll be more prepared than ever.

1. Couch-Chella

Can’t make it out to the polo fields this year? Wasn’t SXSW too expensive anyway? Who cares! You can have a similar experience without ever leaving your living room. On the beautiful world of YouTube, there are literally thousands of sets from your favorite bands and DJs. Fire up your computer, Apple TV, or projector (for the true ballers) and turn down the lights. Not only can you experience the magic, but you can actually see what’s going on! 

So many times there is a brilliant production happening on stage and you’re stuck in the back, unable to see the incredible work that was put into the performance. With CouchChella, you have a close-up view of the stage and often from a variety of angles. You won’t even smell the vomit from that amateur next to you who thought it was a good idea to chug tequila at 2 PM in the 97-degree heat.

For a next-level setup, add your own lighting with a star machine or any other multi-color lights you have laying around. Order some small inflatable palm trees or use your own house plants in front of the screen to really feel like you’re soaking up the desert vibes. 

2. Facetime Fashion Show

Part of the fun of a festival is putting together outfits that in the default world seem outlandish. I comb through Goodwill and vintage stores for the most bizarre pieces I can find.

A 6-year old’s neon bathrobe turns into an incredible blazer for an adult man. A flashy grandma’s floral workout pants will go perfectly with a fur coat and flower crown. Many of my friends even make one-of-a-kind pieces and they become original pieces of art. 

Obviously you don’t want to miss out on this creativity. And now you don’t have to!

Schedule a time for an online meeting so you can have the fashion show of your dreams. Clear some space in your apartment, set up a runway with bath towels, put on your wildest wears, and strut your fucking heart out. 

3. Create Your Own Sound Bath

One of my favorite things to do at a festival is to participate in a healing sanctuary. I’ve done Laugh Yoga, painting class, non-sexual group massage, and of course my favorite, the sound bath.

If you’ve never been to a sound bath what happens is a sound healer plays a variety of instruments that create vibrations throughout your body. As you sit or lay on the ground, the different frequencies shake up your energy and transport you to a place of pure relaxation. You can always find virtual sound baths online, but this is your time to get creative.

Maybe you don’t have a didgeridoo or copper bowls. Grab a wooden spoon and a cheese grater and scrape away. Blow into an empty water jug as you hold it directly over your roommate or partner. Flip through the pages of a thick book so it makes the sound of leaves in the wind. Hell, even turn on your vacuum cleaner and run it all around their body. 

Don’t worry if you aren’t a musician. I’ve never learned to play a single instrument. There are infinite ways to make interesting noises. Experiment with things all over your home and see what works for you. If you do it right, you can truly release the anxiety this crazy time is bringing. 

4. Learn New Dance Moves

If you’re anything like me, you absolutely love to dance. Without any formal training (other than learning the waltz in high school theatre class), I simply let go of my inhibitions and let the music inspire my body to move. People often think I look ridiculous (fuck those people) but also they probably aren’t wrong. 

As long as you’re having fun, it truly doesn’t matter how the funk makes you groove. But sometimes you see someone out there that truly has rhythm and you think, “now that guy looks good.”

With all this downtime, become that guy! Go on youtube and watch tutorials of how to do basic dance steps. You’d be amazed how easily you’ll go from “Wow look at that guy!” to “WOW LOOK AT THAT GUY!!” Notice the difference? Of course, you do. Now string together some combinations and next time when the circle starts up, you’ll be the first one to dive in and show those rookies how it’s done. 

5. Research the Artists

We all know this is temporary. Eventually, we will be traveling the exosphere together in perfect unity. So now that you know you have months before your next festival, listen to every goddamn artist on the lineup. 

Get the most out of your Spotify or Apple Music subscription and dig deep into a plethora of new music. 

You know the tiny print on the bottom of a lineup that looks like a vision test? Those people earned the right to be there. At one point, that was Radiohead. How cool does it feel to say you saw someone before they blew up?

If a lineup is already out, more than likely someone already made a playlist for it. Find those or make your own! My friends and I have one group thread for whatever, and another one solely dedicated to new music discoveries. With 40 of us contributing, there’s never a lack of diversity. I highly encourage this to keep you feeling fresh and excited.

6. Strategize Your Camping Setup

Tired of your boring old cookie-cutter tent with the singular lightbulb hanging down? Let’s spruce it up! No doubt you’ve walked through the campgrounds at a festival and seen some epic ideas that took your breath away. Often they aren’t very complicated. 

Some simple fairy lights make an entry so much more inviting. A flag coming off the top will allow you to always spot your home base. Think about different tapestries to surround your pop-up. 

At the burn, a few of my friends built a monkey hut out of a tarp and PVC pipes. They quickly realized it looked like a giant caterpillar so they added antennae to one end. Suddenly some crude materials became a 30 ft long bug.

If you’ve got the space, set it up in your apartment or backyard and treat yourself to a night of at-home camping. Play terrible music way too loud from a close distance so you can even yell at the imaginary bros who only came to get laid. It’s your experience. Own it!

7. Get Crafty

For most of us, festivals mean it’s crunch time. You’ve been working non-stop, finishing up deadlines, and trying to find someone to feed your animals while you’re gone. You wanted to make a cool totem but never found a few spare hours in your day. Well, here they are! 

We’ve all seen something homemade at a festival that we wished we had thought of. Maybe it’s a giant printout of Nicholas Cage’s weird face. Maybe it’s a street sign crossing where one says “HERE” and the other says “NOW.” 

Whatever it is, this is your opportunity to distract yourself from the news and dig into that odds and ends drawer that you blindly throw things into. Grab some glitter, construction paper, string lights, and a pool noodle and go to town. See what you don’t need and instead of throwing it away, repurpose it. You have no idea how easily an old-shirt becomes a grocery bag. 

8. Stop Showering

Nothing makes you feel like you’re partying your face off more than a nice layer of dust and crust. That gross feeling when you wake up in your tent and you’ve got a thick layer of grime all over you? Sure, it’s nasty but it’s a badge of honor at a festival. I’m not saying to never bathe again, but maybe go three or four days without it. You’re not venturing out much anyway so let that sweat shine while adding some stink to your kink.

9. Festival Food Cooking Class

We all have our favorites! For me, its Spicy Pie pizza at Coachella or Buddha Bowls at Desert Hearts. Something about these flavors makes me know that I’ve relocated to Party Town. But who says you have to buy these things from a makeshift hut? 

Especially with grocery stores being a grab-what-you-can-and-take-no-prisoners war zone, it’s time to make do and figure out some new recipes. What makes you happy when you’re raging? What gives you energy? Smoothies, dumplings, a giant burrito that looks like it could be someone’s leg.

Don’t be afraid. Cooking is easier than you think. Just follow the recipe and don’t cover yourself in oil before you light a match. 

10. Recreate the Parking Lot

You know that beautiful feeling when you arrive at a festival? You’re amped! You’re fired up! You’re ready for the weekend of a lifetime! Just kidding, there’s a 4-hour line to get in. BOOOOOOO! 

This is often a necessary part of the experience and one you are sure to miss. But have no fear, my dusty shuffler. This part is easier than ever. All you have to do is get in your car and sit there. That’s it! Put on some music or a podcast if you’d like, but literally you are doing it! Wait until you absolutely feel like there will be no end, then go inside your home. 

If you’re smart, leave a playlist and some trippy lights on for when you walk back in and it will feel like you arrived at the festival. Put on something fun and dance it out. Your weekend is ready to begin.

11. Do All The Drugs*

Honestly, I could have started with this but then you’d be too high to read the rest of the list. If you’re a planner, you had your party supplies ready to go. Good on you if you did, shame on you if you were waiting until the last minute. 

So here we are, quarantined. We can’t go to work. We can’t see our friends. Even a walk in the park is risky. It seems like a great time to go deep and explore yourself. 

Doing drugs at festivals is wonderful. I don’t need to tell you that. But it can also be overwhelming. Instead of taking acid among thousands of people with endless stimulation, put on some beautiful music and allow yourself to relax. Drugs can be used in countless ways and honestly most of them (aside from driving a car or jumping off a bridge to see if you can fly) are beneficial. 

I personally love having a quiet, solo journey through the mind. Or if you’re with a partner, drop that molly and have a dance party. Take away your anxiety by smoking that joint you were saving. However you get weird, this is your time. No one is judging you, and if you have to take a massive dump or throw up, you’re never far away from the bathroom.

At Home Dance Party

In these odd, troubling times. It's OK to feel sad, scared, lonely, anxious, whatever. 

Forgive yourself for eating too much or being on your phone or masturbating multiple times a day. 

Remember what festivals taught you. You are strong, self-reliant, creative, and fun. Quarantine doesn’t change any of that. Use your time wisely, and eventually, I’ll see you out on the dance floor spreading silliness and love. Stay clean.

*At your own risk! Many drugs are illegal and/or dangerous. Remember I’m a comedian, not a doctor or lawyer, dummies.